Dear John; I love you, good bye. Dear Sally; you're a good mom to our kids but it's time for me to move on, good bye.
Ouch. No one wants to get this letter (especially not Sally/John). It's the I'm leaving you letter. It sucks and can often be devastating. Very devastating. We want to make sense of this. Where did you go wrong? What happened? What on earth did you miss? You were sure things were going very well. She seemed happy. What the hell is the matter with her?
So many questions and, yes, there are answers to all of these. Not the ones you are expecting though. Many people who write their goodbye letters aren't spilling the whole truth. In conversation later, they will assure you that it's not you, it's them. Only part of that is true.
Here are some other reasons we leave our partners and that we really don't want to confess to.
1. You really don't turn me on anymore.
Really. Who wants to actually admit to this anyway. You can't possibly tell your partner this because it would truly hurt their fee lings. So you come up with other excuses all of which have nothing to do with sex or attraction, whatsoever. Plain and simple, you want sex and intimacy, just not with them anymore. And that's ok.
2. You're really not who you say you are.
This person is the modern day version of Jekyll and Hyde. When they are good, they are awesome, when they are bad you hide (pardon the pun) in the closet. This person is a lunatic and you simply didn't see it at first. Most of us don't show our true personalities until well past the first impression/honeymoon phase. You tell them, it's just not working, pack your toothbrush and run home.
3. Can I have your attention please?
Can you just please put the book/remote control/your iPad or iPhone down for one minute and give me some attention please? Let's face it. We all want some attention to a degree. We don't necessarily be attached to your hip 24/7 but we, at the very least, would like to acknowledged in some way shape or form. Do you even know I'm here? Attention sometimes mean affection. We require a little bit of it. It really is nice to have. If you aren't giving us enough, we're packing it in. I mean, if the butcher is showing me more attention than you, and I'm loving it, then there's a problem.
4. Another family gathering?
I really don't like your family. I can't tell you that. Not only would it be rude, it's also mean and hurtful. That's your family and you love them. You want to hang with them every weekend and that's great. I don't and I really don't like them. I also don't like half your friends. Whenever you tell me we're going to so and so's house, again, I want to cringe. I can't do it anymore.
5. I really don't like you.
When we first hooked up you really were a fun person and it seemed like we had a lot in common. Fact is, you're a bit of an arse and I really don't like your personality. I like to be positive and upbeat, you judge everyone at the drop of a dime and always have something to complain about. You just aren't a nice person or not a nice person for me. Everything you believe in and talk about challenges and goes against all the things I value and believe in. How I did not see this in the beginning is beyond me.
6. Time to fly.
I told you I wanted to travel and go see places. You said, yes sure. One year later you are telling me no. We can watch the discovery channel together or take little road trips. It seems I am more free spirited than I originally thought I was, and you are just a liar. You assured me that travel would happen and now you are telling me no. What else have you lied about? Actually, I really just don't believe anything you tell me anymore. I think you might even be a compulsive liar. I can't tell you that though. You won't agree and will lie to make me believe something else.
Some of these things are simply hurtful and having to come out with the absolute truth almost makes us look evil and insensitive. So we put a Band-Aid on our separation and say: no, it's really me, it's not you. And we leave and we're free from you. Obviously there are a million reasons why we leave partners, it's just that sometimes making up a reason why we're leaving is easier and nicer than speaking the honest to God truth.
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